-I love meeting your wife. Finally, your beautiful wife, backstage. -Yes. Finally, you got to meet her. -I know.
You guys have been married — almost, right? -Next week, we’ll be — We got married 33 years ago in New York for $100. Went to City Hall. [ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪ -That’s great. First of all, congrats. What do you mean for a $100?
-Well, we decided to get — I won a comedy competition. And, so, the prize was to perform at Catch a Rising Star. -Oh, yeah. -So, she came up with me, and we said, “Heck, let’s get married.”
We went to City Hall, got a license. We were actually waiting in line to get married, and the girl in front of us, her water broke, like, right there on my shoes, and I got grossed out. [ Laughter ] As who — And I went on the street, and I started calling churches, and I’m like, “Could you marry us?” And the guy said, “Yeah.” I said, “How much?” He said, “300 bucks.”
I said, “We don’t have 300 bucks. Why is it $300?” He said, “Well, it’s $200 for the chapel, $100 for me. I said, “We don’t need the chapel. We’ll do it in the hall.”
[ Laughter ] And he laughed and he said, “I’m across the street from the garden at Central Park.” And, so, we went up there, and we met him, and for 100 bucks, he married us. We have one wedding photo, and it’s me and my wife, and there was a guy sweeping the park. [ Laughter ] -So, do you have the — -This is the photo.
Yeah, here it is. -What a beautiful photo. That’s fantastic. [ Cheers and applause ] This gorgeous wedding photo. [ Both laugh ] Oh, my gosh.
Congrats, again. -So, 33 years, we’re down to 3 bucks a year. -[ Laughs ] Yeah. Exactly, right? -It’s a good thing. -I also want to say happy birthday.
Right now, technically, it’s your birthday. -It is my birthday. -Hey, have a great one, man. [ Cheers and applause ] You’re working on your birthday. But you also, you keep your brain moving.
You keep — You’re always on the road. You’re still doing stand-up all over the place. -Love stand-up.
-Love that you do that. I love that you didn’t say, “Ah, I made enough money. I’m just gonna stop.”
You keep doing stuff. What are the things that you’re doing now? -Man, politics drive me crazy, because no matter which side it is, they just promise people more and more and more. And I’m thinking, “Hell, that’s not even what we need.
We need less of the stupid stuff.” [ Laughter ] -Yeah, you’re right. -I mean, if I was running for office, I would promise no more. Like, day one, no more picking up dog poop. [ Laughter ] -Just leave it.
-Just — I mean, we’re the top of the food chain. It’s embarrassing. [ Laughter ] But I don’t understand. Why would they want us to pick it up?
I mean, New York, you understand. But people, when you have a lawn, it’s fertilizer. -Yeah.
-Right? It makes grass grow. It’s not like a child’s gonna step in it. A kid hasn’t played in the yard since 1982. You know, so… [ Laughter and applause ] Which — Which is sad, because now there’s an entire generation that has no idea how to get dog poop off their shoe.
[ Laughter ] But now think about it. When we were growing up… -Yeah. -…you played outside every day.
-Of course. -Every day, somebody stepped in dog poop. -Yes, of course. -When it happened to you, you knew what to do about it. You would — You would go over, and you would scrape the biggest part off on the edge of the curb. -Yep, that’s right.
[ Laughter, cheers, applause ] -Then you would find a puddle, and you would swirl the bottom of your shoe around the puddle… [ Laughter ] …limp over to the nearest grass, do the brush stroke back and forth… [ Cheers and applause ] …Then you would find a little piece of stick… -A piece of stick. -…and you would sit down on the stairs, and you’d pick it out of the zigzag pattern on the bottom of the shoe. That’s what you did. -That’s exactly right.
-That’s exactly — -That’s what you did. -That’s exactly what you would do. That’s exactly what you would do. -Yes. -And pick it out of the Z’s — -Yeah. And then you would wear it — Yeah, you’d pick it out of the Z, then you’d wear the shoes to church the next day.
You know? So… [ Laughter ] -Jeff, I want to talk about this game. I love games. I love card games. This is super fun. We played it around the office today.
And it’s — it’s basically a set-up punch line. -That’s all it is. -But it’s great. And it’s about — it’s different family stuff.
-Well, Thanksgiving, I’m a giant family guy. We play games. We have like 30 relatives. Aunts, uncles, cousins. And, so, last year, the kids were playing “Cards Against Humanity,” which is a really funny game… -It’s a great game.
-…but filthy. -Some of the stuff, yeah. -Yeah, some of the stuff. And, so I was just saying to them, I said, “You can’t say this in front of your aunts and uncles and your grandmother.
Go downstairs.” And I thought, “Well, there’s got to be a way to do this where everybody could play. ‘Cause nothing’s funnier than hearing something, you know, kind of risqué from your grandmother or… You know. [ Laughter ] -There really isn’t.
-So, I wrote 400 punch lines. Just things that sounded funny. -Yeah. -No, no — Like, “I have mold in my crawl space.” You know?
I mean, that sounds funny. You don’t have to know what it means. -Yeah, of course. -And then I thought, “Okay, everybody has a family.
Everybody’s family is crazy.” So, I wrote 100 setups about relatives. And, so, it’s — You can learn the game in 10 seconds. You read a setup. -Yep.
-You have punch lines. The people throw down the punch line they think’s gonna get the biggest laugh. If you get it, you get a point. It’s that easy. -All right, let’s play a game right now. -Are you ready?
-Yeah. -All right, I’ll do — I’ll read the setup. -I take seven cards?
-Seven cards. -All right, great. Yeah. Okay.
-All right. You ready? -Yeah. -And you would have a table full of people throwing down punch lines. We just have two.
“Having no filter between her brain and her mouth, my aunt said to my sister…blank.” “Having no filter between her brain and her mouth, my aunt… -Well… “Well, at least Jesus loves you.” [ Laughter and applause ] Dude, it’s fantastic. You wanna do — -You wanna do another one? -We’ll do one more. Yeah.
Why not? -“I will never forget the day my mother looked at me and said…” [ Light laughter ] -“You were conceived in a car wash.” [ Laughter and applause ] Let’s do one more. -One more, one more.
-But I could play this all night. -That’s how easy it is. All right, here we go. -All right, yeah.
-Last one. “Right before we walked down the aisle, daddy leaned over to me and whispered…” [ Laughter ] -“I’m not wearing any underwear.” [ Laughter and applause ] Dude, Jeff Foxworthy, everybody!
“Relative Insanity” is now available online!